People are weird. All of us. I'm not talking weird like in the individual special flower way. I mean to say that we're a bunch of creeps with secrets and strange habits that we all know are better kept to ourselves or at least within the confines of our own homes. As you can imagine, I am no exception to this rule.
For example, if I don't follow the same steps every time I shower, I'll end up forgetting one. If my hair gets washed before my body, there's a solid chance my body won't get scrubbed at all and I'll never make a dent on that temporary tattoo of a dolphin that I drunkenly bought at a bodega while I was waiting for a mortadella sandwich.
Even though I know that we're all allowed to have these little quirks attached to how we move through the world, sometimes I think I might be taking it too far.
It never starts out as oddly as it ends. I'll just be lying in bed, fantasizing about waking up to find out that work was miraculously cancelled for the day, when it will dawn on me that I should set my alarm on my phone. So I do. I set it based on whatever time I need to get up in the morning. I factor in if I'll be going for a run, or making breakfast, or maybe finishing the episode of Law and Order SVU I was watching but knew if I finished I'd be too scared to sleep. It takes place in NYC you know. Where I live.
Then I'll put it under my pillow and pull it right back out to make sure it's set. I see that it is and I put it back then remove it another time to check, knowing full well it's definitely set, but maybe for PM instead of AM. This may happen up to 3 more times. At which point I convince myself I'm being ridiculous and also feel pretty good about inadvertently doing 5 crunches.
Bed also provides me with an excellent opportunity to replay conversations I've had over and over again. Why did I pronounce coupon like q-pon? I never say it like that. I feel like I was definitely the only one who said it like that and now everyone thinks I can't read.
Luckily I have the most stellar group of friends in the world, and I when tell them I have made this fatal social error they assure me that no one noticed and stop being dramatic. Then I calm down and shortly after start to worry that no one notices me. Then I start to think that I'll probably accidentally try to act cool next time I see everyone.
So the next time I see everyone I act uncool on purpose because I don't want them to think I'm trying to act cool.
You're probably wondering what sort of things I do and ways I act when I am intentionally acting "uncool." I can't cite any examples, but am told that nobody notices a difference. The cycle begins again.
My life is very stressful.
More than anything, I have this one tendency that really get's me wondering, am I insane? Am I perhaps a sociopath who missed her calling and should drop everything I'm doing right now and start a cult?
That tendency being that I have an innate ability to act like an entirely different person depending on the social setting I'm in. It's not calculated or even intentional. It's as if I black out and become this giant schmooze monster, capable of out schmoozing anyone I come into contact with. When I exit the conversation, a confused wave of terror washes over me as I come to and realize I don't know what I said or why I said it but everyone seems to be ok.
One time in high school my tennis coach said he would be happy to see his daughter grow up to be like me. The other parents told my mom I was so "generic words for outgoing and lovely girl." When I got home, in so many words, my mom asked, "Who are you?"
I don't blame her though. For those of you who didn't see me through my teen angst, I was listening to a lot of Straylight Run at the time. You know what I mean.
Or just the other day I was on the phone at work talking to a coworker I'd never met in person, giving instructions on something to help her out. In the background I heard my boss laughing. I asked him, what? He said, it's just funny. I said what's funny? At which point he said, hearing you talk on the phone. You're like another person.
Oh, is it funny? Or am I distantly related to Ted Bundy.
So I leave it in your hands. If I'm not crazy, and these are all just silly little "things" I do, good for me.
If I am crazy, keep your eyes peeled for my cult. It will probably center around raising money to donate to me for my student loans so I can feel free enough to speak to the universe and make all of your wildest dreams come true. I can't explain exactly how I'll do it, but it's sort of like how Pocahontas could paint with all the colors of the wind. Just trust me.
There will probably be jello, too. I love jello.
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