Wednesday, December 24, 2014

All I Want for Christmas is Everything I Don't Already Have


Christmas is a stressful time. I think we can all pretty much agree on that.

Unless of course you don't celebrate Christmas, care about people, or are generally a perfect person.

For those of you who are not perfect, the different factors that induce the yearly holiday stress are innumerable. You don't have any money, don't have the time, don't know what to get, or who to get for. Are you really not supposed to buy your significant others family gifts and if you are, is it ok for them to be as lackluster as the ones you buy your own family? The list goes on and on.

For me all of those struggles are very real, but an additional struggle I grapple with yearly is the desire to buy myself things. There are so many things that I desperately want, but will not buy and feel like I can't ask for.

I won't buy them because I have something comparable that gets the job done. Or I know in my heart that whatever it is is impractical or impossible. Usually it's just that I can't justify the cost and am convinced that if I keep holding out the price will eventually drop to a number I like.

I can't ask for them because they're mostly extravagant cleaning gadgets I've seen on infomercials, very specific styles of socks and underwear that reveal too much about my personal life, or toys suitable for boys ages 10-17.

But this is the Internet. And because it is the Internet I can do and say whatever I like without the fear of repercussions or embarrassment because I don't have to see any of your faces and if you choose to say anything at all that I don't like or disagree with I can chalk it up to cyber-bullying and my mom will reassure me that you are probably just jealous of how smart and pretty I am.

So, without any further ado, here is my fantasy Christmas list.

1. A Shark Steam Pocket Mop- It just seems like it's more sanitary and efficient than the weird sponge on a stick I bought at the dollar store.

2. Super Smash Bros Melee for Gamecube- Because my mom decided I no longer wanted my N64, and sold it at a garage sale without my consent back in '02.

3. N64

4. Harry Potter to be real.

5. A pocket watch- I know it's impractical, but I don't care. I just like watches.

6. A glasses rope- Practical, but most people find this wish to be lame. Although I do have one friend who told me that it's fine because her dad uses a glasses rope and he's a boss. A. Boss.

7. Collecting Pokemon cards to be cool again.

8. A telescope- Deluxe. I know this is too much to ask. Last year I just asked for a NASA t-shirt instead. Compromises.

9. Tiny Socks- Brand does not matter as long as they are well made and can't be seen no matter what sort of trendy booty or flat I am wearing.

10. A dentist that doesn't scare me or have a team of assistants dedicated to making me feel like my teeth are going to rot out of my head because I don't floss enough.

11. A houseboat- Marina fees included please.

And that's it. I know right now, my close friends and family are borderline annoyed with how serious they know I am about each item on this list.

Conversely, I too am annoyed that none of them will just break down and get me what I want instead of insisting I'll love a gift certificate for laser hair removal. Or perhaps a wireless mouse.

Anyway, I hope you all got everything you wished for this year, and more than that, I hope you made a few wishes come true.

Imagine a shooting star now.

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